9/26/11 Big Time

"I think you have sleep apnea."  She said.

Just so we are all clear, I did not take this as a comment, but more as a challenge.

"I do not!  Why would you say something like that?"  I am sure she took this as a challenge, but as the bigger person she kept her cool.

"Well I hear you when you sleep and..."  

I did not even let her finish.  There she was challenging me again.

"Oh right!  Like you can hear me over your snoring!"

And there it is one of those slow motion moments in your life where you are now having an out of body experience.  You are looking at this guy who just said something completely unfathomable to his wife and you think, oh poor bastard I would hate to be him right now, and then you realize it is you and now you are screwed.

Don't think just stop, say you are sorry, say the house is on fire, say did I just hear the phone ring, say anything, but say it fast before she realizes what you just said and stops talking about your sleep apnea problem and starts talking about your attitude problem.

I went with, "I'm sorry.  Why do you think I have sleep apnea?"

In case you are wondering it worked.  And I avoided another episode of "Why are you such an asshole?" staring me.

And that is how my current diet got started.  It turns out I was 271 lbs. ( that is the equivalent of 9 toddlers).  I had fallen off the wagon again.  I had gained back 30 lbs. of the 40 lbs. that I had lost on the last diet which was started by the "Great Airplane Ride Event."  

That was the diet I started after flying across the country for work.  I got on one of those little planes and the stewardess came through the air plane walked down the aisle turned around and said, "Sir you are going to need to move to the other side of the plane to balance it out." Well hell I did not want to crash the plane or look like a bigger ass so I moved to the other side of the plane, but come on!!!  What is there some kind of class the stewardess takes in training?  Is there a manual or chart that shows the number of regular people on one side of the plane and how many fat people that is equivalent too.  

Anyway I digress.  So now I am on the "You poor bastard.  You have sleep apnea diet."  Which was proceeded by the "Great Airplane Ride Event."  Which was proceeded by the "You should see yourself in these pictures from your friends wedding diet."  Which was proceeded by the, well you get the idea diet.
So this diet began by me going to the gym, meeting with the trainer, and doing that funky treadmill thing with the stupid ass mask on your face test.  You have all seen it, and by the way it is as expensive as it looks.  Turns out I am as out of shape as I look.  I got my results, and my new workout regimen and I was off.  Not so fast fat boy.  It turns out I would need to buy one of those straps and wristband to monitor my heart rate.
Lets talk about the fat guy with the heart rate strap under his t-shirt.  I had to endure much ridicule growing up as the fat kid, and there was more than one of my classmates who made the, "What are those C cups?" comment to me.  So having to walk around with what looks like a bra strap under my shirt definitely made me want to go to the gym day after day.
Well I have gotten over it and I am down twenty pounds.  I have also been running regularly.  I have gotten my heart rate down.  I have been eating better, and I feel pretty good.
But now is not the time to relax.  We are at a critical juncture here.  I am down twenty, but I have plateaued.  I have not lost weight in weeks, and honestly I would like to eat, well everything.
Don't judge me, I'm fricken hungry.
So a couple of things I have learned.
1.  The treadmill test does work.  You look like a total fool, it is uncomfortable, and god knows you do not want to hear the results, but it works.  Also this is the point where if you know nothing about working out you might want to make a couple of additional appointments with a trainer to get started.
2.  You will have to change your eating habits.  Write down what you eat, it will help.  I am an emotional eater.  Happy, sad, tired, angry, board, or hungry, all of these emotions make me want to eat so I need to combat my emotions.  I try to eat the same things during the day with little variation.  That is my new habit, but you will have to find something that works for you.
3.  Yes, you are the fattest person at the gym.  No there is no one fatter than you at the gym.  But guess what you are also the fattest one at the office, the fattest one at the store, the fattest one in your car, but not the fattest one on the rides at Disneyworld because you are too fat to fit on the rides.  The reality is you will never not be the fattest one if you do not go to the gym and try.  Another reality is, WHO GIVES A S---.  Why do you care what some steroid freak, or some anorexic chic thinks about you.  You have your own friends and family, and if you are going to the gym to make friends then you will never lose any weight.  If you want a friend get a dog.  If you want a date get online or do whatever people do these days to find a mate. But at the end of the day go to the gym for you.
4.  If you gain weight it is not muscle.  Change your diet, try something else, but I assure you it is not muscle.  But do not quit.  Keep going to the gym.
5.  If you go, and you try, and you do not  quit, you will feel better.  Through the sore feet and legs, back and arms, chest and whatever that part of your body is that you do not know the name of, there is some part of you that will feel better even if it is you brain.

Finally, do not let this diet be one more diet in a long string of diets, make this one a process, a journey, an I don't know, pick an uplifting Oprah word and stick it in here.  This is not an event.  If you screw up one day that is not the end of it.  That would be too easy.  If you screw up, you just keep going.  If you screwed up at work you don't quit every time and look for another job, you keep going.  When you screw up with your spouse you don't just go find another, you might want to but you do not, you just keep going.  So this is the time, and here is your chance, keep going.

9/15 Every Pair of Rose Colored Glasses Has it's Thorn.

So my wife is this amazing person.  She thinks the best of everyone, and is one of those people who you would truly like to have as a friend.  She believes that all of her friends are beautiful, all of their children are cute geniuses, and all of their husbands are stand-up guys.
Now these rose colored glasses of my wife do have their up side.  For example I ended up getting a pretty woman to marry me.  Now I am definitely no Brad Pitt, but I am also not a circus freak, but if you would see the two of us together you would wonder what the hell she was thinking.
It is kind of like the movie Shallow Hal.  (If you have not seen it, it is about a shallow guy who judges people by looks only, he ends up getting hypnotized and from then on can only see people for who they are on the inside.  It's pretty funny, and at the end of the movie you get to see what the people really look like, which adds to the humor.)
So anyway the problem with my wife's rose colored glasses is, in real life, many of her acquaintances are not nice, smart, funny, cute, or honorable.  Now my wife does not get hurt by any of this but I do.  "How?" you ask.  Well I will tell you.
1.  I am the one who is forced to go to the local gathering where I am left to talk to the stand-up husband who is actually a boar, a drunk, a moron, or someone who I just have nothing in common with.  (Ladies, just because you like someone, does not mean your boyfriend, husband, or significant other will enjoy your new friends family.)
2.  I end up with children at my house who are actually the spawn of satan sent to torture me.
3.  Inevitably I am forced to make small talk with the moms, every time I see them, who are more like Cybil on crack then Oprah.

So a few tips on how to handle your significant others rose colored glasses condition.
1.  Don't talk about your significant others friends or acquaintances.  It is ok to let the other person know how you feel, but then drop it.  You will not do anything but make your partner feel bad about their choice, and you will get absolutely nothing out of voicing your opinion.
2.  Have your partner make plans with their train wreck of a friend that do not include you.  This is a good night to go out with your friends.  Or better if you have children, tell your partner that you will watch the kids so that they can go out.  This will accomplish a few things.
     a.  You will not have to go out with the bane of your existence.
     b.  You will look like a champ for offering to take care of the kids and let your partner go out for the evening.
     c.  This will let your partner know that you care about them no matter what kind of train wreck they pick as a friend.
3.  Look in the mirror.  You might actually be the pain in the ass friend, or you might be the owner of one.
By following these tips you can keep the peace at home, show your support for your partner, and if you really want you can each keep the friends that annoy your partner to no end.

9/14/11 Paint The Fence.

So my wife and I decided to paint our own house.  We figured we've done everything else ourselves so why should this project be any different.
After a long process of talking about what color to paint the house, my wife picked a color and it looks great.  "Thanks honey your the best."
Anyway a few tips for you before you start.
1.  Try out the paint color first.   You do this by painting a big enough sample area so that you can really see what the paint will look like.  You need to do this because those little sample swatches that you get from the paint companies are not the same color as the paint you get.  It may bare a close resemblance to the paint color you want, but I assure you it is just not the same.
Another fun thing you can do is pick the most obnoxious paint color you can find and slap it up there with the regular paint colors that you are considering.  No, I do not think that you will want to paint your house some weird color, I just think it is fun to mess with the neighbors.  You can even go so far as to ask them what they think.  Tell them how much you really like the odd color, and then go ahead and paint your house the conventional color you really like.
If you are one of those people who really likes the odd color you need to just go with one of the other colors.  No one wants to see your violet, or pink, or barn red house, and no one thinks that you are a nonconformist individual who marches to the beat of their own drum.  In fact everyone will think you are a pain in the ass who just brought down the price of every house in the neighborhood.
2.   Make sure you clean the exterior of your house.  Paint does not in fact stick to dirt no matter how much you put on.
3.  Make sure you cover the stuff you do not want paint on, bushes, bricks, windows, sidewalks, your car.  Lets face it, unless you worked as a painter at some time, you are just not as good at painting as you think, and no matter what you tell your wife you will still have to clean a window or paint a frame if you do not cover them now.  And god help you if you paint something important to her.  By the way you will not know what that thing is until after you have painted it so do yourself a favor and just cover everything you do not want paint on.
4.  Finally, and I know there are many, many, many more tips, but this is the last one for me.  So here it is, do not throw out the empty paint bucket.
Why you ask?  Well, because the bucket has all of the information you need on it to buy more paint.  And I do not care how organized you are, you will not be able to find the little paint swatch that has the paint name and number on it.
A.  This will lead to you turning your house upside down looking for the paint swatch.
B.  Which will then lead to a fight between you and your beloved, where you will blame each other for losing the paint swatch and throwing out the paint bucket.
C.  And finally, all of this will lead to you peeling a big piece of paint off of your newly painted house, so that you can have the little paint match machine at the store match your originally chosen paint color.

By the way these same rules apply to painting the inside of your house.  So use these tips in good health and try to finish one project this week.