Just so we are all clear, I did not take this as a comment, but more as a challenge.
"I do not! Why would you say something like that?" I am sure she took this as a challenge, but as the bigger person she kept her cool.
"Well I hear you when you sleep and..."
I did not even let her finish. There she was challenging me again.
"Oh right! Like you can hear me over your snoring!"
And there it is one of those slow motion moments in your life where you are now having an out of body experience. You are looking at this guy who just said something completely unfathomable to his wife and you think, oh poor bastard I would hate to be him right now, and then you realize it is you and now you are screwed.
Don't think just stop, say you are sorry, say the house is on fire, say did I just hear the phone ring, say anything, but say it fast before she realizes what you just said and stops talking about your sleep apnea problem and starts talking about your attitude problem.
I went with, "I'm sorry. Why do you think I have sleep apnea?"
In case you are wondering it worked. And I avoided another episode of "Why are you such an asshole?" staring me.
And that is how my current diet got started. It turns out I was 271 lbs. ( that is the equivalent of 9 toddlers). I had fallen off the wagon again. I had gained back 30 lbs. of the 40 lbs. that I had lost on the last diet which was started by the "Great Airplane Ride Event."
That was the diet I started after flying across the country for work. I got on one of those little planes and the stewardess came through the air plane walked down the aisle turned around and said, "Sir you are going to need to move to the other side of the plane to balance it out." Well hell I did not want to crash the plane or look like a bigger ass so I moved to the other side of the plane, but come on!!! What is there some kind of class the stewardess takes in training? Is there a manual or chart that shows the number of regular people on one side of the plane and how many fat people that is equivalent too.
Anyway I digress. So now I am on the "You poor bastard. You have sleep apnea diet." Which was proceeded by the "Great Airplane Ride Event." Which was proceeded by the "You should see yourself in these pictures from your friends wedding diet." Which was proceeded by the, well you get the idea diet.
So this diet began by me going to the gym, meeting with the trainer, and doing that funky treadmill thing with the stupid ass mask on your face test. You have all seen it, and by the way it is as expensive as it looks. Turns out I am as out of shape as I look. I got my results, and my new workout regimen and I was off. Not so fast fat boy. It turns out I would need to buy one of those straps and wristband to monitor my heart rate.
Lets talk about the fat guy with the heart rate strap under his t-shirt. I had to endure much ridicule growing up as the fat kid, and there was more than one of my classmates who made the, "What are those C cups?" comment to me. So having to walk around with what looks like a bra strap under my shirt definitely made me want to go to the gym day after day.
Well I have gotten over it and I am down twenty pounds. I have also been running regularly. I have gotten my heart rate down. I have been eating better, and I feel pretty good.
But now is not the time to relax. We are at a critical juncture here. I am down twenty, but I have plateaued. I have not lost weight in weeks, and honestly I would like to eat, well everything.
Don't judge me, I'm fricken hungry.
So a couple of things I have learned.
1. The treadmill test does work. You look like a total fool, it is uncomfortable, and god knows you do not want to hear the results, but it works. Also this is the point where if you know nothing about working out you might want to make a couple of additional appointments with a trainer to get started.
2. You will have to change your eating habits. Write down what you eat, it will help. I am an emotional eater. Happy, sad, tired, angry, board, or hungry, all of these emotions make me want to eat so I need to combat my emotions. I try to eat the same things during the day with little variation. That is my new habit, but you will have to find something that works for you.
3. Yes, you are the fattest person at the gym. No there is no one fatter than you at the gym. But guess what you are also the fattest one at the office, the fattest one at the store, the fattest one in your car, but not the fattest one on the rides at Disneyworld because you are too fat to fit on the rides. The reality is you will never not be the fattest one if you do not go to the gym and try. Another reality is, WHO GIVES A S---. Why do you care what some steroid freak, or some anorexic chic thinks about you. You have your own friends and family, and if you are going to the gym to make friends then you will never lose any weight. If you want a friend get a dog. If you want a date get online or do whatever people do these days to find a mate. But at the end of the day go to the gym for you.
4. If you gain weight it is not muscle. Change your diet, try something else, but I assure you it is not muscle. But do not quit. Keep going to the gym.
5. If you go, and you try, and you do not quit, you will feel better. Through the sore feet and legs, back and arms, chest and whatever that part of your body is that you do not know the name of, there is some part of you that will feel better even if it is you brain.
Finally, do not let this diet be one more diet in a long string of diets, make this one a process, a journey, an I don't know, pick an uplifting Oprah word and stick it in here. This is not an event. If you screw up one day that is not the end of it. That would be too easy. If you screw up, you just keep going. If you screwed up at work you don't quit every time and look for another job, you keep going. When you screw up with your spouse you don't just go find another, you might want to but you do not, you just keep going. So this is the time, and here is your chance, keep going.
So this diet began by me going to the gym, meeting with the trainer, and doing that funky treadmill thing with the stupid ass mask on your face test. You have all seen it, and by the way it is as expensive as it looks. Turns out I am as out of shape as I look. I got my results, and my new workout regimen and I was off. Not so fast fat boy. It turns out I would need to buy one of those straps and wristband to monitor my heart rate.
Lets talk about the fat guy with the heart rate strap under his t-shirt. I had to endure much ridicule growing up as the fat kid, and there was more than one of my classmates who made the, "What are those C cups?" comment to me. So having to walk around with what looks like a bra strap under my shirt definitely made me want to go to the gym day after day.
Well I have gotten over it and I am down twenty pounds. I have also been running regularly. I have gotten my heart rate down. I have been eating better, and I feel pretty good.
But now is not the time to relax. We are at a critical juncture here. I am down twenty, but I have plateaued. I have not lost weight in weeks, and honestly I would like to eat, well everything.
Don't judge me, I'm fricken hungry.
So a couple of things I have learned.
1. The treadmill test does work. You look like a total fool, it is uncomfortable, and god knows you do not want to hear the results, but it works. Also this is the point where if you know nothing about working out you might want to make a couple of additional appointments with a trainer to get started.
2. You will have to change your eating habits. Write down what you eat, it will help. I am an emotional eater. Happy, sad, tired, angry, board, or hungry, all of these emotions make me want to eat so I need to combat my emotions. I try to eat the same things during the day with little variation. That is my new habit, but you will have to find something that works for you.
3. Yes, you are the fattest person at the gym. No there is no one fatter than you at the gym. But guess what you are also the fattest one at the office, the fattest one at the store, the fattest one in your car, but not the fattest one on the rides at Disneyworld because you are too fat to fit on the rides. The reality is you will never not be the fattest one if you do not go to the gym and try. Another reality is, WHO GIVES A S---. Why do you care what some steroid freak, or some anorexic chic thinks about you. You have your own friends and family, and if you are going to the gym to make friends then you will never lose any weight. If you want a friend get a dog. If you want a date get online or do whatever people do these days to find a mate. But at the end of the day go to the gym for you.
4. If you gain weight it is not muscle. Change your diet, try something else, but I assure you it is not muscle. But do not quit. Keep going to the gym.
5. If you go, and you try, and you do not quit, you will feel better. Through the sore feet and legs, back and arms, chest and whatever that part of your body is that you do not know the name of, there is some part of you that will feel better even if it is you brain.
Finally, do not let this diet be one more diet in a long string of diets, make this one a process, a journey, an I don't know, pick an uplifting Oprah word and stick it in here. This is not an event. If you screw up one day that is not the end of it. That would be too easy. If you screw up, you just keep going. If you screwed up at work you don't quit every time and look for another job, you keep going. When you screw up with your spouse you don't just go find another, you might want to but you do not, you just keep going. So this is the time, and here is your chance, keep going.
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