"Honey it's time to brush your teeth and get ready for bed." I said to my eight year old.
"O.K.." She replied.
2 minutes later.
"O.k., honey its time to brush your teeth and get ready for bed." I said again.
"I'M GOING. GOSH." She snarled. I think a little spittle came out of her mouth that time.
2 minutes later.
"Alright thats enough, it is time for you to get ready for bed!"
"CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM GETTING READY!!!!" She said. This time I am sure that I saw her foaming at the mouth.
"Honey, if I could see that you were getting ready, I would not have told you to get ready again." Now I am just being a smart ass.
"DAD, LEAVE ME ALONE I KNOW HOW TO GET READY FOR BED!!!" She said stomping into the bathroom.
Hey at least there was some progress that time.
"If you knew how to get ready for bed then I would not have to remind you." Now I am just being sarcastic and a little mean, but I just cannot help myself.
"DAD, THAT IS ENOUGH, LEAVE ME ALONE!!! UUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!" She grunted as she slammed the bathroom door.
And so goes the bedtime ritual every night at our house.
All of this leads me to the question, why aren't my children afraid of me?
Just for the record, I am not one of those friend parents. I do not sit around with my girls and braid their hair, I do not give them manicures, I do not play babies, and I sure as heck do not talk about Justin Bieber, or Miley Cyrus.
I am the Dad. I set rules, I talk to them about life, I tell them they cannot date or get married until they are thirty or I am dead, whichever comes first.
Don't they know I am in charge? I dole out the punishment, I am strict, I use the Dad Voice, I even say NO!
So, why are my children not afraid of me?
My wife and I have watched Supernanny!! We set up house rules. We discipline our kids. We even use the naughty chair. Once we even took everything out of our oldest daughters room (except her bed) and made her earn everything back.
Just a note here. This sounds great on paper, and it really makes an impact with the kids, but it is just like moving, and moving sucks. It took us 30 minutes to take everything out of her room, and another 3 hours to find a place to put everything. And when she was better we just had to move it all back. I think we learned more about punishment that time then she did.
Now I am not saying that I want them to cower in fear at the very sight of me or tell the school nurse that they do not feel safe at home, I just want them to wonder what would happen to them if they did not listen.
Reprimanding them is like reprimanding those kids from the Children of the Corn, or Village of the Damned. I tell them what to do and they just look at me with those blue eyes and then they go about their business like I never said anything.
Maybe we were too nice to them when they were little. Maybe we fed them too well. Maybe they have too many clothes (o.k. that one is a given they definitely have too many clothes). Maybe we let them play too much.
What if it is not our fault, but some outside stimulus that caused them to not be afraid of me. Maybe Baby Einstein gave them some sort of subliminal message telling them not to fear us. Maybe the Wiggles had a song telling them they did not have to listen to us. Maybe there was some Sesame Street episode with child protective services that told them their rights. I do not know what it was that took the fear of G-d out of them, but how do I put it back?
Where did I go wrong?
To be honest I do not know, but until I figure it out here are a few tips.
1. Timeouts do not start until the kid stops howling and crying. The reason is, your kid will cry forever if it thinks you are coming right back. Let them learn that they need to stop crying and calm down before they can come back out. Also this gives you a couple extra minutes to compose yourself. Also if they are really carrying on you can use the time to catch up on the shows on your DVR.
2. Do not give in. If you say bedtime is at 8:30 then it is at 8:30. If you change or compromise then they will win and you will then be their personal servant forever.
3. You set the rules, you set the rewards, and you set the punishments. They are not in charge, and the minute you let them help set the rules is the first minute you give up your leadership roll. My oldest is self-depricating. If she does something wrong she will try to punish herself before I can get to her. FYI her own punishments are rarely very good, and they usually give her some advantage.
4. Be creative, not cruel. These are your kids you know them better than anyone else. Their punishments are not retaliation for pissing you off. Their punishments are supposed to teach them something, so go to your room is just not a good option. Use their likes and dislikes against them. Take a T.V. show away. Make them go to bed early (this one is really more for you, but it will upset them so it works). Make them write an apology letter to the person they offended. Be creative.
5. Don't be afraid. Someday you will punish them and you will get some really weird result. But don't be afraid. I will give you the perfect example. Once we put our daughter on the naughty chair. She was just howling and crying. We put her on the chair and when we came back in she had stripped herself down to her under ware, and had drooled so much that the discarded clothes were wet and she was sitting in a visible pool of saliva that ran from her mouth to her lap. Now normally I would have probably freaked out and taken her to the E.R. but when you are disciplining the kids sometimes you just have to roll with it.
So unless or until your children are afraid of you, just keep trying.
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