Tonight I would like to take the opportunity to address a rather serious topic. It has come to my attention that there is a condition that exists that affects almost all of you, and yet this condition has been virtually ignored.
This condition affects millions of women and girls nationwide, and yet it remains undetected and undiagnosed. Many of your loved ones could be suffering as we speak. This affliction affects mothers, grandmothers, daughters, aunts, and sisters without prejudice.
The condition that I want to share with you is First Born Daughter Syndrome or FBDS.
I was first introduced to this condition by a co-worker who shared with me the devastating effect that FBDS was having on her family. You see her own daughter was a first born daughter and her whole family was working diligently to deal with the daily affects her condition.
You see the tragedy of this condition, is that not only does it affect the person, but it affects everyone around them. FBDS affects the sufferers friends, family, co-workers, and sometimes even perfect strangers.
I know many of you are asking why now? What made you choose to shed light on this widely ignored and misunderstood problem? Well I will tell you. I come to you now because my wife and I are dealing with FBDS firsthand. You see our....our.... our daughter has what seems like an almost incurable case of First Born Daughter Syndrome.
“How do you know?”
“What are they symptoms?”
“What can I do about it?”
Well all of these are great questions and I will try to answer them to the best of my ability.
FBDS affects 4 out of every 5 first born daughters.
Symptoms can vary greatly with age, but some common side-effects include:
Unexplained Irritability, Pouting, Mood Swings, Outbursts, Crying, An Unexplainable Sense of Entitlement, Yelling, Door Slamming, Eye Rolling, Hair Flicking, Loud Sighing, Incessant Back-talking, Unsolicited Opinion Making, Snotty Remarks, Stomping, Interrupting, Unprovoked Hitting of a Little Sister, Screaming “That’s Unfair!!!!!”, Making Irrational Assumptions.
While traditional treatments are not known, there are many trials and studies being conducted as we speak throughout the country. Some common treatments are:
Groundings, Taking Away Phone/ Computer/ T.V. Privileges, Early Bedtimes, Off to Bed With No Dinners, Shouting Matches, Spankings, Canceling Play Dates, Name Calling, Long Talks About Appropriate Behavior, Sending The Afflicted to the Neighbors to Play, Making the The Sufferer Say They Are Sorry.
So how can you help? Well we are currently raising funds to help the Families of First Born Daughters or FFBS’s. These monies will be used to provide support for the families by paying for such necessities as, babysitters, date nights, movie rentals, hotel rooms, and if necessary, as in the case of a severe FBDS family, trips without the children.
For example my wife and I are trying to raise money for a trip to Hawaii or even Australia. Your donations will pay for such necessities as first-class airfare, rental cars, four star accommodations, food, and even childcare for our daughter back in the states. So please give generously today. We would prefer the kind of money that folds but we will take the kind that jingles. Remember you can help. Please make a donation today to help us meet our goal of a two week child free vacation by this spring.
Thank you.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
10/9/11 Carry That Weight
I was five and it was a nice day in kindergarten. It was one of my classmates birthday, and their parents were nice enough to bring popsicles. These days if you want to bring a treat to your child's school, you need an act of congress, a certified note from a lab telling the school board that the food is not contaminated, and prove that the treats are gluten free, trans-fat free, free of any dyes or banned colors, are organic, free trade, made in the USA, are halal and kosher, and provide documentation that none of the food was made on or near equipment that manufactured peanuts or tree nuts. And do not forget that the package needs to remain hermetically sealed until the moment the food will be served to the students.
Anyway...The teacher started to pass out the popsicles, and I said no. Why you ask? Well I will tell you. I was on a diet. Having the teacher I had for kindergarten (she was a cross between Mary Poppins and Gloria Steinem), she marched me down to the principal's office where I called my mother to ask permission to have a popsicle. She said yes.
Just to put this into perspective for you, my parents putting me on a diet, is like letting Lindsey Lohan give you tips on rehab. My wife says that may parents were just were not equipped to give that kind of advice, that people at that time did not know as much about nutrition as we do now, and that they were just doing their best. As I said before she wears the cutest pair of rose colored glasses I have ever seen.
I think that everyone has the basics down. If you give a child a fish he will eat once. If you teach him to fish he will feed himself for a lifetime, and if you teach a child how to batter and fry that fish and serve it with fries and tatar sauce he will be 300 lbs. by graduation.
So what that my parents did not know about nutrition, so what they ate like crap, so what if I knew how to ask for McDonald's by name by the time I was one, and so what if I had to shop in the men's section of the store by the time I was 8, no no, no husky jeans for this boy. I was advanced I went straight to the mens section. It is not that they were not equipped, it is that they were just not looking. They did not see the signs, and they were just repeating the cycle.
I started writing our children's book because my wife thought it would be a good idea. We had been baking with our older daughter, and she just hammed it up on camera. The recipe that she was making that day was not just any recipe, but one we had created just for her. When she was 4 my wife was forced to take her to the E.R. on two separate occasions. She was screaming in pain that her stomach hurt. It turns out she was severely constipated. So we tried the medicines, and the fiber supplements, but we got the best results when we changed her diet. No this is not some testimonial and I am not going to be selling anything later so just follow me here.
We started by changing the everyday recipes we were already making and then we added new ones to add more fiber and vegetables to her diet. I have to admit looking back, I feel really bad for her because the stuff we made was horrible. The pancakes tasted like cardboard, the pasta was grainy, the boxed mac and cheese tasted like vomit, and she ate it all and never complained once. Being a chef I began to improve the recipes and make them more palatable, and soon enough we all ate the food. So the recipe that my wife made with my daughter that day was the cupcake recipe that we created for her, and if I do say so myself they are good.
My wife took her inspiration for the book from the cooking video, and began by writing down a few sentences and ideas she had for the book. She then gave the notes to me and said, "Here finish this, and make it entertaining, and funny." I obliged.
This week we sent the book to the illustrator. I hope that it will be finished within the next few months and I will let you know how it is going as I learn more.
We put the special cupcake recipe in the book and I hope you all will buy a copy when it comes out (Oh yes I said I was not going to try to sell you anything. Sorry I might have lied just a little.).
So my advice this week is as follows.
1. Try to be a good example. None of us are perfect, least of all not me, but teaching your child how to eat the fat and skin off of a freshly baked turkey is definitely not being a good roll model.
2. If your child is intolerant or allergic, this is your problem. For example if you go to a restaurant it is not the servers responsibility to ask if your precious little one is allergic to something. Look no one wants to clean up your child's puke or call an ambulance for you, so be the responsible one and ask before you order something. To be honest your server probably does not have children and would never think to ask about an allergy. Their biggest concern is whether or not they will make enough tips during their shift to go out and drink when they are done.
3. Look up every once in a while. We are all busy, but every once in a while you should take a good long look at your kids. Don't wait until conferences, or school pictures, or the big game. Just look up from your computer, or phone, or the t.v. and just look at them. And for the love of G-d just stop texting for a minute and talk with them. Are they listening to you? Are they becoming the people you want them to be? At times I have theses little attacks and I think, what do they eat now, or how much medicine do they take, or what is their teachers name, or how old are they now? I am not an absentee parent I just need to look up a little more myself.
Anyway...The teacher started to pass out the popsicles, and I said no. Why you ask? Well I will tell you. I was on a diet. Having the teacher I had for kindergarten (she was a cross between Mary Poppins and Gloria Steinem), she marched me down to the principal's office where I called my mother to ask permission to have a popsicle. She said yes.
Just to put this into perspective for you, my parents putting me on a diet, is like letting Lindsey Lohan give you tips on rehab. My wife says that may parents were just were not equipped to give that kind of advice, that people at that time did not know as much about nutrition as we do now, and that they were just doing their best. As I said before she wears the cutest pair of rose colored glasses I have ever seen.
I think that everyone has the basics down. If you give a child a fish he will eat once. If you teach him to fish he will feed himself for a lifetime, and if you teach a child how to batter and fry that fish and serve it with fries and tatar sauce he will be 300 lbs. by graduation.
So what that my parents did not know about nutrition, so what they ate like crap, so what if I knew how to ask for McDonald's by name by the time I was one, and so what if I had to shop in the men's section of the store by the time I was 8, no no, no husky jeans for this boy. I was advanced I went straight to the mens section. It is not that they were not equipped, it is that they were just not looking. They did not see the signs, and they were just repeating the cycle.
I started writing our children's book because my wife thought it would be a good idea. We had been baking with our older daughter, and she just hammed it up on camera. The recipe that she was making that day was not just any recipe, but one we had created just for her. When she was 4 my wife was forced to take her to the E.R. on two separate occasions. She was screaming in pain that her stomach hurt. It turns out she was severely constipated. So we tried the medicines, and the fiber supplements, but we got the best results when we changed her diet. No this is not some testimonial and I am not going to be selling anything later so just follow me here.
We started by changing the everyday recipes we were already making and then we added new ones to add more fiber and vegetables to her diet. I have to admit looking back, I feel really bad for her because the stuff we made was horrible. The pancakes tasted like cardboard, the pasta was grainy, the boxed mac and cheese tasted like vomit, and she ate it all and never complained once. Being a chef I began to improve the recipes and make them more palatable, and soon enough we all ate the food. So the recipe that my wife made with my daughter that day was the cupcake recipe that we created for her, and if I do say so myself they are good.
My wife took her inspiration for the book from the cooking video, and began by writing down a few sentences and ideas she had for the book. She then gave the notes to me and said, "Here finish this, and make it entertaining, and funny." I obliged.
This week we sent the book to the illustrator. I hope that it will be finished within the next few months and I will let you know how it is going as I learn more.
We put the special cupcake recipe in the book and I hope you all will buy a copy when it comes out (Oh yes I said I was not going to try to sell you anything. Sorry I might have lied just a little.).
So my advice this week is as follows.
1. Try to be a good example. None of us are perfect, least of all not me, but teaching your child how to eat the fat and skin off of a freshly baked turkey is definitely not being a good roll model.
2. If your child is intolerant or allergic, this is your problem. For example if you go to a restaurant it is not the servers responsibility to ask if your precious little one is allergic to something. Look no one wants to clean up your child's puke or call an ambulance for you, so be the responsible one and ask before you order something. To be honest your server probably does not have children and would never think to ask about an allergy. Their biggest concern is whether or not they will make enough tips during their shift to go out and drink when they are done.
3. Look up every once in a while. We are all busy, but every once in a while you should take a good long look at your kids. Don't wait until conferences, or school pictures, or the big game. Just look up from your computer, or phone, or the t.v. and just look at them. And for the love of G-d just stop texting for a minute and talk with them. Are they listening to you? Are they becoming the people you want them to be? At times I have theses little attacks and I think, what do they eat now, or how much medicine do they take, or what is their teachers name, or how old are they now? I am not an absentee parent I just need to look up a little more myself.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
10/2/11 Don't Fear The Reaper
"Honey it's time to brush your teeth and get ready for bed." I said to my eight year old.
"O.K.." She replied.
2 minutes later.
"O.k., honey its time to brush your teeth and get ready for bed." I said again.
"I'M GOING. GOSH." She snarled. I think a little spittle came out of her mouth that time.
2 minutes later.
"Alright thats enough, it is time for you to get ready for bed!"
"CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM GETTING READY!!!!" She said. This time I am sure that I saw her foaming at the mouth.
"Honey, if I could see that you were getting ready, I would not have told you to get ready again." Now I am just being a smart ass.
"DAD, LEAVE ME ALONE I KNOW HOW TO GET READY FOR BED!!!" She said stomping into the bathroom.
Hey at least there was some progress that time.
"If you knew how to get ready for bed then I would not have to remind you." Now I am just being sarcastic and a little mean, but I just cannot help myself.
"DAD, THAT IS ENOUGH, LEAVE ME ALONE!!! UUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!" She grunted as she slammed the bathroom door.
And so goes the bedtime ritual every night at our house.
All of this leads me to the question, why aren't my children afraid of me?
Just for the record, I am not one of those friend parents. I do not sit around with my girls and braid their hair, I do not give them manicures, I do not play babies, and I sure as heck do not talk about Justin Bieber, or Miley Cyrus.
I am the Dad. I set rules, I talk to them about life, I tell them they cannot date or get married until they are thirty or I am dead, whichever comes first.
Don't they know I am in charge? I dole out the punishment, I am strict, I use the Dad Voice, I even say NO!
So, why are my children not afraid of me?
My wife and I have watched Supernanny!! We set up house rules. We discipline our kids. We even use the naughty chair. Once we even took everything out of our oldest daughters room (except her bed) and made her earn everything back.
Just a note here. This sounds great on paper, and it really makes an impact with the kids, but it is just like moving, and moving sucks. It took us 30 minutes to take everything out of her room, and another 3 hours to find a place to put everything. And when she was better we just had to move it all back. I think we learned more about punishment that time then she did.
Now I am not saying that I want them to cower in fear at the very sight of me or tell the school nurse that they do not feel safe at home, I just want them to wonder what would happen to them if they did not listen.
Reprimanding them is like reprimanding those kids from the Children of the Corn, or Village of the Damned. I tell them what to do and they just look at me with those blue eyes and then they go about their business like I never said anything.
Maybe we were too nice to them when they were little. Maybe we fed them too well. Maybe they have too many clothes (o.k. that one is a given they definitely have too many clothes). Maybe we let them play too much.
What if it is not our fault, but some outside stimulus that caused them to not be afraid of me. Maybe Baby Einstein gave them some sort of subliminal message telling them not to fear us. Maybe the Wiggles had a song telling them they did not have to listen to us. Maybe there was some Sesame Street episode with child protective services that told them their rights. I do not know what it was that took the fear of G-d out of them, but how do I put it back?
Where did I go wrong?
To be honest I do not know, but until I figure it out here are a few tips.
1. Timeouts do not start until the kid stops howling and crying. The reason is, your kid will cry forever if it thinks you are coming right back. Let them learn that they need to stop crying and calm down before they can come back out. Also this gives you a couple extra minutes to compose yourself. Also if they are really carrying on you can use the time to catch up on the shows on your DVR.
2. Do not give in. If you say bedtime is at 8:30 then it is at 8:30. If you change or compromise then they will win and you will then be their personal servant forever.
3. You set the rules, you set the rewards, and you set the punishments. They are not in charge, and the minute you let them help set the rules is the first minute you give up your leadership roll. My oldest is self-depricating. If she does something wrong she will try to punish herself before I can get to her. FYI her own punishments are rarely very good, and they usually give her some advantage.
4. Be creative, not cruel. These are your kids you know them better than anyone else. Their punishments are not retaliation for pissing you off. Their punishments are supposed to teach them something, so go to your room is just not a good option. Use their likes and dislikes against them. Take a T.V. show away. Make them go to bed early (this one is really more for you, but it will upset them so it works). Make them write an apology letter to the person they offended. Be creative.
5. Don't be afraid. Someday you will punish them and you will get some really weird result. But don't be afraid. I will give you the perfect example. Once we put our daughter on the naughty chair. She was just howling and crying. We put her on the chair and when we came back in she had stripped herself down to her under ware, and had drooled so much that the discarded clothes were wet and she was sitting in a visible pool of saliva that ran from her mouth to her lap. Now normally I would have probably freaked out and taken her to the E.R. but when you are disciplining the kids sometimes you just have to roll with it.
So unless or until your children are afraid of you, just keep trying.
"O.K.." She replied.
2 minutes later.
"O.k., honey its time to brush your teeth and get ready for bed." I said again.
"I'M GOING. GOSH." She snarled. I think a little spittle came out of her mouth that time.
2 minutes later.
"Alright thats enough, it is time for you to get ready for bed!"
"CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM GETTING READY!!!!" She said. This time I am sure that I saw her foaming at the mouth.
"Honey, if I could see that you were getting ready, I would not have told you to get ready again." Now I am just being a smart ass.
"DAD, LEAVE ME ALONE I KNOW HOW TO GET READY FOR BED!!!" She said stomping into the bathroom.
Hey at least there was some progress that time.
"If you knew how to get ready for bed then I would not have to remind you." Now I am just being sarcastic and a little mean, but I just cannot help myself.
"DAD, THAT IS ENOUGH, LEAVE ME ALONE!!! UUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!" She grunted as she slammed the bathroom door.
And so goes the bedtime ritual every night at our house.
All of this leads me to the question, why aren't my children afraid of me?
Just for the record, I am not one of those friend parents. I do not sit around with my girls and braid their hair, I do not give them manicures, I do not play babies, and I sure as heck do not talk about Justin Bieber, or Miley Cyrus.
I am the Dad. I set rules, I talk to them about life, I tell them they cannot date or get married until they are thirty or I am dead, whichever comes first.
Don't they know I am in charge? I dole out the punishment, I am strict, I use the Dad Voice, I even say NO!
So, why are my children not afraid of me?
My wife and I have watched Supernanny!! We set up house rules. We discipline our kids. We even use the naughty chair. Once we even took everything out of our oldest daughters room (except her bed) and made her earn everything back.
Just a note here. This sounds great on paper, and it really makes an impact with the kids, but it is just like moving, and moving sucks. It took us 30 minutes to take everything out of her room, and another 3 hours to find a place to put everything. And when she was better we just had to move it all back. I think we learned more about punishment that time then she did.
Now I am not saying that I want them to cower in fear at the very sight of me or tell the school nurse that they do not feel safe at home, I just want them to wonder what would happen to them if they did not listen.
Reprimanding them is like reprimanding those kids from the Children of the Corn, or Village of the Damned. I tell them what to do and they just look at me with those blue eyes and then they go about their business like I never said anything.
Maybe we were too nice to them when they were little. Maybe we fed them too well. Maybe they have too many clothes (o.k. that one is a given they definitely have too many clothes). Maybe we let them play too much.
What if it is not our fault, but some outside stimulus that caused them to not be afraid of me. Maybe Baby Einstein gave them some sort of subliminal message telling them not to fear us. Maybe the Wiggles had a song telling them they did not have to listen to us. Maybe there was some Sesame Street episode with child protective services that told them their rights. I do not know what it was that took the fear of G-d out of them, but how do I put it back?
Where did I go wrong?
To be honest I do not know, but until I figure it out here are a few tips.
1. Timeouts do not start until the kid stops howling and crying. The reason is, your kid will cry forever if it thinks you are coming right back. Let them learn that they need to stop crying and calm down before they can come back out. Also this gives you a couple extra minutes to compose yourself. Also if they are really carrying on you can use the time to catch up on the shows on your DVR.
2. Do not give in. If you say bedtime is at 8:30 then it is at 8:30. If you change or compromise then they will win and you will then be their personal servant forever.
3. You set the rules, you set the rewards, and you set the punishments. They are not in charge, and the minute you let them help set the rules is the first minute you give up your leadership roll. My oldest is self-depricating. If she does something wrong she will try to punish herself before I can get to her. FYI her own punishments are rarely very good, and they usually give her some advantage.
4. Be creative, not cruel. These are your kids you know them better than anyone else. Their punishments are not retaliation for pissing you off. Their punishments are supposed to teach them something, so go to your room is just not a good option. Use their likes and dislikes against them. Take a T.V. show away. Make them go to bed early (this one is really more for you, but it will upset them so it works). Make them write an apology letter to the person they offended. Be creative.
5. Don't be afraid. Someday you will punish them and you will get some really weird result. But don't be afraid. I will give you the perfect example. Once we put our daughter on the naughty chair. She was just howling and crying. We put her on the chair and when we came back in she had stripped herself down to her under ware, and had drooled so much that the discarded clothes were wet and she was sitting in a visible pool of saliva that ran from her mouth to her lap. Now normally I would have probably freaked out and taken her to the E.R. but when you are disciplining the kids sometimes you just have to roll with it.
So unless or until your children are afraid of you, just keep trying.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)