Throughout my whole life, it seems, that no one who liked me ever really saw the outside me. I can also say that this is a blessing because the outside me is kind of a wreck. Now don't get me wrong there were many, many people who only saw the outside me and they were a complete pain in the ass. The girls were especially cruel, but I cannot blame them, who wants to date a really fat guy. I mean you never hear anyone say, "Oooooh look at the beer belly on that guy, thats hot. I want him" I mean can you imagine a calvin klein ad with Jack Black instead of Marky Mark. Now isn't that a sexy mental picture?
The problem I have with the people who only see the inside me is when I dress up. These people somehow get me confused with a bear (big harry gay guy). My whole life my mother tried to cover up my girth by dressing me in really nice clothes. Turns out, people can still see that your fat, and the colors just make you look like a circus tent or walking billboard. The really nice clothes just ended up making me more of a target then helped me blend in.
I remember once in junior high my mother had bought me this rather expensive but femme' argyle sweater (black with pink, yellow, and baby blue diamonds). I begged her, "Please don't make me wear that sweater, I'll look like a girl and everyone will make fun of me." But it was a Benetton, and my mother was convinced that everything from Benetton was metro-sexual, and so she made me wear it. I became very popular the next day when one of the most popular girls in school wore the same sweater. I did not think it was possible to be more of an outcast then I already was, but this just proves that no matter how bad things are, they can get worse.
Things did not get any better after that. Over the years I have owned green jeans, white suede buck shoes (look them up, I was 13, and I will never live those pictures down), numerous overly tight t-shirts, and once a mesh shirt arrived from Bloomingdale's. Don't get me wrong I have over the years owned really nice clothes, but it was always those times when I needed to look nice that the homo-erotic attire came out. I once went to a million dollar wedding in Miami wearing gray dress pants, a black and white flecked sport coat and a pink shirt. It was like showing up to P-ditty's white party in the Hamptons in a brown suit.
I thought that things would change when I got married, but the blinders are definitely on my wife also. Over the past twenty years she has brought home some real winners. Boy short underwear from H&M (you know the kind with the built in crotch). I pleaded with her in the store not to buy them but she assured me that I was mistaken and I would look not only manly, but sexy. From the amount, and volume of laughter that came from her when she saw me wearing them I know that not even she believes that anymore.
Just an aside here while writing this blog I walked past my older daughters room wearing some new, but not the afore mentioned boxers, that my wife just bought me. My daughter stopped me and said, "Daddy those look like girl shorts."
On any given day I dress in a plain fashion. I dress appropriately and comfortably. I am not a slob, but I understand that unless you can really pull off a look or outfit, that you should dress cleanly and simply.
Is it me? Do I give off that vibe? Do women think I am gay and that I need to dress the part?
My Grandmother always told me a story that when she was in college in the 1930's that she took a human sexuality class. Part of her class consisted of guests coming in and talking about their sexuality. During class they had a lesbian come in and talk about being gay. Someone asked how she knew if they met another lesbian. The woman answered, "Well I just know." My Grandmother said for weeks she walked around wondering if the women she saw looking at her thought she was gay.
I always wonder what my mother or wife think when they pick out clothes for me?
George Clooney? Brad Pitt? LL Cool J?
Because when I put the clothes on all I can think is (you might have to look these people up):
Harvey Fierstein! Barney Frank! Bruce Vilanch!
O.k. you are definitely going to have to look these people up.
This is one of those times when I just have more questions than answers, but ladies all I can say here is have mercy on your husbands, boyfriends, or significant others.
1. No matter how attractive the clothes look in the store they will not make your significant other look, thinner, more handsome, sexier, or thinner. (Yeah I know I said thinner twice, I just wanted to make sure you were listening.).
2. Do not bring home clothes that are not the right size. He will not want to try the clothes on, he will not lose weight so that they will fit later, and the last thing he needs to hear is you giggling like a school girl at him while you try to take pictures with your iPhone.
3. Karmas a Bitch, and what goes around comes around. Just remember, someday you may want him to tell you how you actually look in an outfit, and if you mess with his clothes long enough he will not tell you.
Note here, you will not actually know that he did not tell you how you really looked, until you see yourself in the pictures from the wedding, christening, christmas party, or bar mitzvah. Guys are kind of mean that way so stay on their good side.
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