O.k., I am back.
So I am a little over four weeks out from my rotator cuff surgery. Everyone I have seen or has seen me since the surgery has made some sort of comment.
Those who have had rotator cuff surgery in the past have given me their advice, their best wishes, or their similar story of discomfort and eventual triumph from their surgery.
While those who have not had rotator cuff surgery ask, "What is wrong with you?"
You may be asking yourself how do people know that I have had surgery, and the answer is, I am wearing this rather elaborate sling. You cannot miss it, and to add insult to injury, the surgery center that I went to has put their insignia in white letters all over my black (mother of all slings) sling.
For the past four and a half weeks I have endured the inability to use my left arm. It just hangs there and causes me pain and the unwanted attention of strangers.
And what do I do when I am uncomfortable? That's right. I eat. The damage has been minimal though. I have only put back on about 10 pounds, which if I were a ballerina, would be devastating, but since I am a fat dad it just causes me some discomfort.
My current discomfort is coming from my sling. It is equipped with its own fat sensing device, a belt that goes around the middle of my stomach. I think at this point I have created my own fat loss device. The belt. Just put it around your stomach and if you get fatter and the belt gets tighter you need to lose weight. If the belt gets looser, you simply tighten it and you keep losing weight.
It's brilliant, and Suzanne Sommers and I are going to do an infomercial (By the way what kind of society are we living in? When I typed the word infomercial, spell check did not try to correct it).
At first I just lied to myself.
Oh, I must just have my sling on wrong.
Oh, the shirt that I am wearing is just thicker than the one I wore yesterday.
Oh, I must have eaten too much salt and I am retaining water.
At the end of the day I knew that I had gained weight, and I am now back on my perpetual diet.
So in honor of my new weight loss device, the BELT (Body Expanse Limit Tester) I am now going to give you my list of the signs that you need to go back on your diet:
1. If you only have two pair of fitted pants in your closet that fit, you need to start your diet.
2. If you question whether or not you've eaten too much to have sex, you need to start your diet.
3. If you get angry that your kids finished the ice cream, you need to start your diet.
4. If you buy any sandwich from a gas station, you need to start your diet.
5. If you go through the drive through and the cashier says, "See you tomorrow." You need to start your diet.
6. If you ask yourself if you can wear sweat pants to your child's parent / teacher conference, you need to start your diet.
7. If you have ever eaten dinner at a fast food restaurant before going out to dinner, you need to start your diet.
8. If you have ever had the restaurant manager tell you to take it easy at the salad bar, you need to start your diet.
9. If you have ever been told your pet needs to go on a diet, you need to start your diet.
10. If you found any of these funny because they are true, you definitely need to start your diet.
It's good to be back.
So I am a little over four weeks out from my rotator cuff surgery. Everyone I have seen or has seen me since the surgery has made some sort of comment.
Those who have had rotator cuff surgery in the past have given me their advice, their best wishes, or their similar story of discomfort and eventual triumph from their surgery.
While those who have not had rotator cuff surgery ask, "What is wrong with you?"
You may be asking yourself how do people know that I have had surgery, and the answer is, I am wearing this rather elaborate sling. You cannot miss it, and to add insult to injury, the surgery center that I went to has put their insignia in white letters all over my black (mother of all slings) sling.
For the past four and a half weeks I have endured the inability to use my left arm. It just hangs there and causes me pain and the unwanted attention of strangers.
And what do I do when I am uncomfortable? That's right. I eat. The damage has been minimal though. I have only put back on about 10 pounds, which if I were a ballerina, would be devastating, but since I am a fat dad it just causes me some discomfort.
My current discomfort is coming from my sling. It is equipped with its own fat sensing device, a belt that goes around the middle of my stomach. I think at this point I have created my own fat loss device. The belt. Just put it around your stomach and if you get fatter and the belt gets tighter you need to lose weight. If the belt gets looser, you simply tighten it and you keep losing weight.
It's brilliant, and Suzanne Sommers and I are going to do an infomercial (By the way what kind of society are we living in? When I typed the word infomercial, spell check did not try to correct it).
At first I just lied to myself.
Oh, I must just have my sling on wrong.
Oh, the shirt that I am wearing is just thicker than the one I wore yesterday.
Oh, I must have eaten too much salt and I am retaining water.
At the end of the day I knew that I had gained weight, and I am now back on my perpetual diet.
So in honor of my new weight loss device, the BELT (Body Expanse Limit Tester) I am now going to give you my list of the signs that you need to go back on your diet:
1. If you only have two pair of fitted pants in your closet that fit, you need to start your diet.
2. If you question whether or not you've eaten too much to have sex, you need to start your diet.
3. If you get angry that your kids finished the ice cream, you need to start your diet.
4. If you buy any sandwich from a gas station, you need to start your diet.
5. If you go through the drive through and the cashier says, "See you tomorrow." You need to start your diet.
6. If you ask yourself if you can wear sweat pants to your child's parent / teacher conference, you need to start your diet.
7. If you have ever eaten dinner at a fast food restaurant before going out to dinner, you need to start your diet.
8. If you have ever had the restaurant manager tell you to take it easy at the salad bar, you need to start your diet.
9. If you have ever been told your pet needs to go on a diet, you need to start your diet.
10. If you found any of these funny because they are true, you definitely need to start your diet.
It's good to be back.
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