We all know the saying, sugar and spice and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of. We grew up hearing it, and no matter how hard we try we will never forget it.
There is some truth to this. Most girls, women, ladies who have any kind of self-respect or self-esteem try on at least some level to smell and look presentable.
O.k. well most of the women I know.
O.k. well some of the women I know.
O.k. if I know a woman and she does not try, I will not go anywhere near her.
Because of this I married a woman who took care of herself, smelled good, and looked nice when we went out. I hit the trifecta. When we had two little girls I knew they would be ok because they would learn from their mother how to look and smell good.
I remember when I was young. All that little boys want to do is gross out any other human being that is within earshot of them. The louder the burp or fart the better, and if you could make someone gag then you definitely won. There wasn't a sleep over that went by without one boy sitting on another boys head and farting. Yes you can guess which boy got farted on. Anyway the more gross the act the better. And there was nothing that could get boys laughing like a fart, or burp, or smelly shoe.
I knew I would never have to re-live these treasured yet somewhat disturbing rites of passage with girls, and I will be honest I was looking forward to it.
How did I know you say? Well, when I came home from work my girls would always say, "Daddy you stink take a shower." Any time I ate a food they did not like they would say," ooooh that stinks how can you eat that?" And any time I even walked remotely close to a bathroom they would say,"Are you going to use that bathroom? You stink, Daddy!"
I was safe. Cute little girls who were clean and had a clean, fragrant, mother.
Oh baby was I wrong.
One day one of these cute little cherubs burped and then the other farted, laughter ensued, and all bets were off.
Just a note. As I sit here and write this, my little one just ran out of the hallway screaming, "SHE FARTED." All I could hear from the hallway was giggling, and now they are chasing each other around making fart noises. They are 8 and 11.
I guess I would just chalk it up to adolescence, but then my whole world paradigm came crashing down. My wife went on a cleanse. No sugar, no gluten, no fat, no dairy. She lost weight and felt great. With such a restrictive diet she had to find alternative snacks. One of these snacks is a nutrition bar low in sugar and other things that are bad for you, but full of alcohol sugars, glycerin, maltitol and soy lecithin. Turns out she had found the secret formula for a noxious gas that now spews forth from her about 30 minutes after she ingests a bar. The girls have nicknamed them fart bars. They run screaming when they see her eat one and they try to hide them around the house.
By the way my older one just burped as loud as she could at the table.
Sorry back to the fart bars.
This is not the woman I married. This is some creature that has eaten my wife and replaced her with a smelly shell of the woman I married.
Now I completely understand why she does not want to give up the only treat she has but there are some side effects from the creature that ate my wife.
In bed she lays with her butt toward me and then giggles when the smell finally hits me. She plays circus tent (this is when you fart under the covers and then pull the covers up over your partners head). She crop dusts (this is when you walk through a crowded area and fart the whole way through), and do not get me started with the car trips. Each of these incidents leaves her giggling like a school girl. I even get the occasional text like this one, "Just crop dusted the children's department at Target!"
Don't get me wrong it is funny and I laugh and I want her to be healthy, but also I want my wife back.
By the way my wife just let out a huge burp while washing the dishes. I think deep down inside she is just a little proud of herself.
Now I have loved my wife through sickness and health, but no one said anything about burping, farting, or circus tent.
Now, I would gladly take the healthy wife over the good smelling one, but there are a few things you can do to protect yourself as the new year approaches and your wife thinks about her diet plan for the new year.
1. Go to bed before your wife. If you are asleep you cannot smell it.
2. If you go to bed after your wife, make sure it is about an hour later so that any pent up gas can make its way out of her before you go to bed.
3. Whatever you do, do not retaliate. If you try to gas her out she will blame all the smells on you and anytime she farts she will just blame it on you, and bring up the time you gassed her out. This is an argument you will never win.
By the way my older daughter just threatened to fart on my younger daughter.
4. Send your daughters to finishing school so that they learn not to burp or fart in front of their future husbands. If you do not, they will be stuck in your house forever, and I cannot have these little burping farting girls living with me forever. I have enough trouble with the creature who ate my wife.
So invest in some strong smelling candles and pray for me.
As I finish writing this blog my little one just sat down next to me ripped one and then laughed.
Honesty, I cannot make this stuff up.
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